After four kids in five years, I’m done having babies and can say that without an ounce of sadness. Here are the telltale signs that affirms you are absolutely done having kids:
- You see a glowing, radiant pregnant woman walking across the parking lot, rocking her maternity jeans and cute, little baby bump… and the only feeling you have is sympathy for her hemorrhoids, bacne and uncomfortable sleep.
- You have convinced your husband that it’s only fair that he gets a vasectomy. But, then you secretly get an IUD. Just in case.
- You find out your neighbor’s cousin’s co-worker is pregnant, and you race to her house, barely introduce yourself, and drop off your baby gear faster than your postpartum hair can fall out.
- After debating if you should sell, donate, or trash your maternity jeans, you decide to burn them in a fiery pit, a la Monica, Rachel and Phoebe. You throw in a pair of green hospital net undies just to make the burn ritual complete.
- You walk past the baby section of any store, and you don’t get jealous about the new, improved technology. Instead, you start thinking about how that homemade baby food maker (that you only used once) will be perfect for making blended alcoholic drinks at your party this weekend.
- You never order buttered popcorn at the movie theater because the smell reminds you too much of newborn poop.
- Getting rid of any large baby item, like the crib, swing or stroller feels about as freeing as taking your bra off when you were pregnant.
- You buy up all the pregnancy tests at the dollar store two days before your period to ensure you’re NOT pregnant, making deals with the devil, wondering how you could have ever wished for that second line to appear.
- Feigning interest when your friends talk about wanting more babies is as hard as that first postpartum bowel movement.
- Itty-bitty, teeny weeny newborn clothes used to make you spontaneously ovulate. Now, they make your ass widen, your boobs drop and your bladder lose control.
Julie Kroenig Forbes graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of Missouri School of Journalism. She spent the next 10 years working as a news anchor and reporter in various cities, most recently in Nashville, Tennessee. She now lives in Northern California with her husband and four kids.
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