1. “Your sleep is a priority. Get it anyway you can.”*
*Feel free to tell anyone who gives you this advice to screw off because while you know it’s important, it’s also impractical.
2. When the baby is cranky, you’ll find yourself always saying, “maybe they’re teething … ?” You know why? Because, they’re always teething. And, now you realize that all those cloth baby bibs you received as baby shower gifts are not for food spills, they’re for drool.
3. Postpartum depression doesn’t always mean sitting around crying all day. It can also mean panic attacks, binge eating, and OCD. If you find yourself doing something that you never did before, talk to your doctor about it.
4. If the baby cries for a few minutes, s/he’ll be okay. Take the shower.
5. Just because you’ve “only” had one kid, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing something wrong. Trust your gut. Maybe later you’ll realize that they were right but that’s for you to figure out.
6. Disregard any advice that comes from someone who hasn’t had kids.
7. The first time you travel with your child, you’ll pack the whole nursery. You won’t need most of it. And sadly, you’ll realize one day that traveling with an infant was about as easy as it gets.
8. Losing the baby weight isn’t as easy as people make it out to be, because you binge eat 3x the amount of calories that you burnt through breast-feeding…And, it’s okay to hate the bitches who shrug and say, “Breastfeeding just melted all of my weight off!”
9. The Internet is a great resource for information. Except when you think there’s something wrong with your baby. Unless you have an obsessive need to scare yourself sh*tless (we can’t help ourselves, I know), try to ask your doctor first, instead.
10. As soon as you figure it out, it changes again. …
P.S. The photographer must have totally photoshopped that picture of me post-partum! My arms don’t look that good even when I’m not pregnant.